A life changing moment

My heart, my thoughts and my prayers, are with my daughter-in-law and her family this week.  Her only brother passed away after a long. hard fight with the vicious disease of cancer.  He was 17 years old.

I have felt the gut-wrenching pain of death.  I have had my loved ones ripped from my life, and I have had them slip slowly and silently away.  I know of grief, and yet I can’t take hers from her, and make this walk just a little easier for her.

The sympathy cards.  Oh how I hated getting them, simply because of the reason for the card.  I didn’t want to be “that person” in need of sympathy.  I welcomed the comfort, but it was the sympathy that I didn’t want to be a part of.  I didn’t want to keep being reminded over and over again of the pain.

I just wanted the pain to stop, and I wanted my loved one back again.

I know that my daughter-in-law wants this more than anything else in life right now.  She wants the pain to stop, and she just wants to hug him, and see his smile again.  She wants him alive, and healthy, and back in her life again.

The tears are so tiring, the pain grows weary, and some days the burden of the loss is just too great. Will I ever feel normal again?

The answer is, no.  Never again.  This is a life changing moment.  She will never look at life through the same lenses, she will continually be aware of  his absence, and there will be days when she just won’t want to go on.

I know this is true, but I also know that my God will be her only Source of strength and comfort.  I am praying she finds this peace and comfort.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. ”   John 14:27

Failure

Again.

I want to get past this, and move on to another place.  For 17 years I tried to please, learn, and make a change.  In my life and in my environment. I wish I would have realized much sooner that they just didn’t like me and that this was never going to work.
Instead I tried to play the game, and I don’t like playing games, of any kind.

So I sold my soul, and they devoured me.
It makes me angry.  I feel rather foolish.  And then I feel sad.
Why didn’t I do a better job?  Why couldn’t I make them like me?  Why couldn’t I play their game better?  Why am I such a failure?
He tells me I have value, and worth, and that it’s not my fault, but I think it must be.  Because if I really did have value, and worth would it have been like this?
17 years that I want to forget, but can’t.  The memories are haunting. When I think I’m doing ok, I realize I’m just fooling myself.

only happy people play instruments

She really wanted to go to Grandma and Grandpa’s house.  She pleaded with all her might.  Her little lip began to tremble and the tears welled up in her eyes.  It just wasn’t going to work out this time, and her heart was broken.  In an attempt to make her feel better, her Grandpa played one of her favorite songs.  This is a song that makes her happy, and she usually pretends to play an instrument along with the music. The song begins to play, and her Grandpa is encouraging her to “play” along with the music!

And then a very quiet, little voice said: “Grandpa, only happy people play instruments, and I’m not happy, so I won’t be able to play an instrument .”

Fortunately for her Grandpa, the sadness was reluctantly turned to joy with the aid of a sucker.  She said it helped to make her a “little more happy.”   I think the BIG, long hug she received from her Grandpa was probably what really wiped away the tears!

My tears

I’ve been thinking about emotions lately, mainly the emotion of crying.  When and why do we cry?  What is the purpose?  Why do some people cry and it appears that others do not cry, ever!  I’m sure that there are scientific answers to the questions, but I’m really not interested in finding out what science has to say about my tears.

My tears surprise me.  They come when I least expect them, and they don’t come when I expect them too, and for that matter, when everyone else expects them too!  And the expectation of tears is yet another interesting aspect of tears.  Tears are often expected and/or anticipated by people around us, and yet when we witness someone crying, when we actually see the tears fall down the face, it makes us feel uncomfortable.  Why? Why do we squirm and look away, and not want them to see that we noticed the tears?

There have been several major events in my life when I fully anticipated to shed some tears, and did not.  I must admit, it left me a bit puzzled and wondering about my true feelings about the event. Perhaps it could be because the events were of a positive nature – weddings, graduations, births.  Shouldn’t I be crying?  Isn’t that what is expected of me?

So it would seem to me that tears are an expression of a feeling.  I would like to think that even though I didn’t have tears, I did have feelings about the event.   And I do! The feelings are just portrayed in a different manner, another expression.   A GREAT BIG SMILE!!

I don’t know.  I guess I might be the kind of person who saves my tears for the sad moments. I know that they will come then.  I’ve had enough of those experiences to account for that. Or, maybe I will be surprised yet again.